Allow me a brief moment to speak about my personal life...

2007 Senior Pic. Playing Carlos
my father's guitar. We're roughly
the same age.

I was asked recently about what my goals are involving music. Where do I see myself going with it? How do I think it will support myself? What do I even want to do involving it? I realized this is not something that I've actually shared with someone else, or really even dwelt upon. 


Music has been something that's been pretty ubiquitous in my life, it's motivated most of my life decisions. From deciding to ask if I could join the church choir at nine, (I was terrified because I was then the youngest person in said choir by about 20 years) to deciding to take a break from school to see how my life would be given the time to pursue this music thing much more seriously. While I can't say I've always made the best choices in my life, and I can't say that the path I've walked down has been a very consistent or straightforward one by any means one thing remains the same. No matter where my life takes me, what city, what income level, what job, I will always be writing music, listening to music, and performing music. That's never going to change in my life.

2008. Choral Spectacular. Carlos'
last performance.

For those who don't know I'm lucky enough at this point in my life to be able to teach voice and piano to students in the Louisville area. I'm 21 and this is pretty much my dream job. Not many 21 year olds can say that they are actually working their dream jobs. I would love to keep this job for the rest of my life, or allow it to grow into something on my own, but I realize I need more training. That's the thing I love about music. It's never stale, there always seems to be something new for me to learn. I need to become a better pianist, I want more theory practice, and I need to figure out how to perform a set without telling a really bad joke that no one laughs at. I'm young. I feel like everything in my life is a learning experience. I've never been the type of person who knew where they were going. I learn while I go. There isn't a manual for life, and I don't plan ahead very well.  When I graduated high school I picked the college with the most options, but even then never seemed to make the right choice. Coming back home was actually a great decision because it gave me a chances to pursue music like I didn't have an opportunity to when I was at IU. The best thing that came out of Bloomington were the people I met there and the life experiences gained there. None of that was learned in a classroom. 

2009. Disney Open Mic. Ellie and I performing "Be Prepared"
 from The Lion King

What lead to this post was a bad performance at an Open Mic on Monday night. My mother claimed I did fine, that people still enjoyed what I put out there, that I was still one of the best that night. That doesn't matter to me. I have personal standards at which I hold myself. If I don't meet my personal standards I'm not happy. I personally don't think it's all that bad to expect myself to perform at a certain level. I know I'm talented and so when I miss an opportunity to show off that talent and entertain people, especially in a performance setting, I feel I have failed. What I think my mother was concerned with was me being blind to my talents and blind to the reaction to my talents. I know I did well that night, but I also know I can do better. Every audience deserves to see me at my best, even if they didn't come to see me. I feel another musician would be able to understand this kind of feeling, but at the time I was unable to express myself. (I feel I should also note that this was the first time I tried playing after having drank a slight amount of alcohol. I usually perform completely sober and will continue to follow that rule just in case.)


Most people assume that singer songwriters such as myself all want to "make it big" and become a "star." I don't really. That would be easier, yes. If I were to be a "star" I'd be able to pursue music only and not worry about money the way I do. I'm not saying I wouldn't take the chance if it were presented to me. However, music is one of those things that I have to do. I've always found it hard to express myself the way normal humans will. I rarely confide in people my problems and I keep a lot of my feelings close my chest. I'm not an open book when it comes to emotional things, that is until I write a song. Dolly Parton once said, “I think to be a true songwriter, you have to really allow yourself to feel and allow yourself the freedom to write it the way you want to,”  No matter what I'm doing in life, teaching music, making coffee, having kids (maybe), living in my Dad's basement, living with 18 cats and a corgi, in love, or out of love, I will always be writing music. It's not a switch I can turn off. I don't write because I want to, I do it because I have to. 


I think I have a hard time relating to non-musicians because for me these ideas I've just discussed are obvious, as I'm sure they are to other musicians. When I write a song, and I fret over every little syllable I'm not doing so because I think other people are gonna really enjoy it. I do it because each sound is a part of conveying the story I'm portraying. And I'm one of those personal writers, I can't make anything up, never was a good story writer unless it was Non-Fiction. Besides every writing class I ever took said to "write what you know." Maybe my songs won't win me a Grammy and maybe my vocal talents will never impress many outside of a Louisville bar but it's not about awards and other people. I'm very selfish in regards to music, it's all about me and what I can get out of it. Teaching is where I make music selfless, but that's another blog rant for another time. 

2011. Tonight. Joy.

[I'll try not to make these long personal rants a common thing. I've been in a funky mood all week, and have been dwelling on a conversation from Monday since it happened. Like music, blogging is a way of arranging my thoughts. I hope you'll allow me this moment of reflection. I'll post something more interesting soon.]